“Baywatch” is a disaster masquerading as a summer blockbuster. It wants to be a fast, funny, sexy update of the classic TV show, and instead it settles for a bloated, unfunny mess that wastes a cast of talented actors. This is a movie that should have been a lean, mean satire. Instead it’s a bloated, unfunny disaster that barely knows what it wants to say.
The premise is simple enough. Mitch Buchanen (Dwayne Johnson) is a former lifeguard who returns to Baywatch after a personal tragedy. He takes on a new partner, Ryan Lochte (Priyanka Chopra), and together they try to save the beach from a developer who wants to build over it. That’s the setup. What follows is a series of jokes that land with the grace of a falling coconut.
Trailer, via Paramount Pictures.
Dwayne Johnson’s Problem
Johnson is the biggest problem here. He plays Mitch as a straight-faced action hero who doesn’t understand humor. Every joke aimed at him goes wide, and he responds with a smile that looks like he’s been told he’s winning. It’s a performance that should be a highlight. Instead it’s the anchor dragging the whole ship down.
Chopra fares better. She brings a spark to Ryan that the script doesn’t always give her room to use. But even she can’t overcome the material around her. The chemistry between the leads is supposed to be the engine of the movie. It isn’t.
The Jokes That Miss
The humor in “Baywatch” is broad, physical comedy aimed at teenagers. There are jokes about sex, about politics, about race, and about violence. None of them land. The movie tries to be edgy and ends up being crass. A scene involving a dog and a pool is meant to be the funniest moment. It isn’t.
There are also several scenes that go on too long. A chase sequence drags. A confrontation between Johnson and the villain stretches past its welcome. The movie is long, and it feels far longer than that.
The Cast That Gets Wasted
The supporting cast includes Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, and Pedro Pascal. They’re all talented. They’re all wasted. Efron is asked to play a dimwit, and he does it badly. Daddario gets less to do than a prop. Pascal shows up briefly and disappears. None of them get the chance to make the movie better.
Running Order
| Time | Event |
|---|---|
| Opening | Mitch Buchanen returns to Baywatch after his personal tragedy |
| Midway | Chase sequence drags |
| Late | Confrontation between Johnson and the villain stretches past its welcome |
The Director’s Problem
The director, Seth Gordon, is clearly overwhelmed by the scale. The movie jumps from scene to scene without any sense of rhythm. One minute you’re in a tense standoff, the next you’re at a party, and the next you’re back on the beach. It never settles.
The Music and the Look
The score is loud and generic. It’s the kind of music that tells you when to laugh and when to gasp. It doesn’t add anything. It just fills space. The look of the movie is bright and glossy, but it’s a gloss over a rotting core. The production design is fine. The acting isn’t.
There’s also a subplot about a terrorist attack that adds stakes. It doesn’t deliver on them. It just adds confusion.
The Movie’s Structure
The movie is structured like a bad outline. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end, but none of them connect. The result is a film that feels unfinished, as if the writers ran out of ideas halfway through.
There’s a version of “Baywatch” that could have worked. It would have been sharp, satirical, and respectful to the source material. That version wasn’t made. What we got is a bloated, unfunny disaster that wastes a cast of talented actors and a premise with real potential.
“Baywatch” is a failure on every level. It’s unfunny, badly acted, and poorly directed. It’s the kind of movie that makes you wonder why anyone thought this was a good idea. It’s the kind of movie that deserves to be forgotten.
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