Psychologist Marisa Franco has a simple but powerful suggestion for anyone who struggles with self-worth: revisit your worst memories, and rewrite them while you’re there.
Franco, author of Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, published in September, draws on memory reconsolidation theory to argue that the past isn’t fixed. By revisiting difficult moments and offering reassurance to your younger self, you can reshape how those memories influence your present sense of self.
The technique, which Franco calls “reparenting,” involves imagining yourself as an adult intervening in a troubling past event. You might show up early to pick up your younger self, or reassure a child who felt left behind. The goal is to give yourself catharsis, let those feelings move through you, and stop letting them shape your current sense of worth.
The Memory Reconsolidation Theory
Memory reconsolidation is a concept rooted in the work of behavioral neuroscientist Karim Nader. The basic idea is that memories aren’t static recordings. Every time you recall an event, you’re not simply playing back a video file. Instead, you’re reconstructing it, and that reconstruction can be influenced by your current emotional state, beliefs, and surroundings.
Franco describes the process as revisiting a memory, envisioning yourself intervening as an adult, and offering reassurance to your younger self. She says this can lead to higher self-esteem, fewer symptoms of trauma, and even physical changes in the hippocampus, the part of the brain where memories are stored.
Franco’s Soccer Memory Example
To make the technique concrete, Franco shared a personal memory from her childhood. She was a kid whose mom showed up late to soccer practice, and she was one of the only children of color on the team.
“When I go back to that memory, I can viscerally experience how I felt ashamed, embarrassed and different from everyone else,” Franco said.
She then pictured her current self arriving before her mom got there. Adult her looked excited to see younger her, gave her a hug, and said, “Oh my gosh, I’m so happy that I get to pick you up. Even though your mom is late, she loves you.”
“It allows me to see the good in the world, to not evaluate things based off of the negativity eclipsing everything good about it.”
How the Exercise Changes You
Franco says the exercise makes her feel more valued, more enthusiastic, less afraid, and bolder. The effect isn’t just psychological. Research suggests that memory reconsolidation can lead to measurable changes in the brain.
The hippocampus, where memories are stored, is involved in the process. The technique also reduces symptoms of trauma, according to Franco.
Why Low Self-Esteem Matters
Franco argues that low self-esteem is a problem worth addressing because it distorts how you experience the world. You can achieve great success and still feel like a failure. You can find great love and still feel unlovable.
“If we’re able to feel good about ourselves, we are able to receive all the good happening in our lives more deeply,” she said.
The Reparenting Approach
Franco’s book offers a detailed version of the reparenting exercise, which asks readers to revisit a difficult memory, envision themselves as adults, and offer reassurance to their younger selves. The approach is grounded in the idea that revisiting memories with compassion can alter how those memories influence your current sense of worth.
Related Life Kit Coverage
Life Kit has covered self-esteem from several angles. The organization has spoken with Amir Levine, a neuroscientist and co-author of the book Attached, about attachment theory and how your attachment style — secure, anxious, or avoidant — shapes your relationships.
They’ve also offered tips on stopping negative self-talk and dealing with situations you’ve taken personally.
Key Facts Box
| Fact | Detail |
|---|---|
| Book title | Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment |
| Author | Marisa Franco |
| Publication date | September |
| Memory reconsolidation theory | Based on the work of behavioral neuroscientist Karim Nader |
| Brain region involved | Hippocampus |
The takeaway is straightforward: your memories don’t have to define you. By revisiting them with kindness, you can rewrite the story you keep telling yourself.
The Bottom Line on Self-Worth
Self-worth is a skill, not a fixed trait. You can learn and get better at it, according to Franco. The memory reconsolidation approach is one tool in that toolkit.
The exercise is simple to describe but takes practice to master. It requires you to sit with uncomfortable feelings rather than pushing them away, and it asks you to believe that your adult self can offer something your younger self needed.
Whether you’re working through a childhood memory or a recent rejection, the method invites you to treat your own emotions as something that matters. The exercise is not a quick fix. It is a deliberate act of compassion toward your own history.
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