Anna Holmes understands how much weight a single word can carry. Her essay Why “No” Is the Most Powerful Word a Woman Can Say Today makes the case that saying “no” is not turning down an offer but making a statement. It is a summons to action, a dismissal of the qualities society considers most worthwhile. She speaks from firsthand knowledge: she founded Jezebel so that refusal could be made public.
In telling the tale of delivering a commencement speech at Emma Willard School in upstate New York in 2015, Holmes admits her hesitation. She had no prior connection to the school, and she had never spoken at such an event before. Yet she knew exactly what message she wished to convey. On the night before the speech, she shared a meal with a senior named Lily and her mother, Susan. During dinner, Susan asked Holmes what advice she would give to her younger self if she could return six years after graduating high school.
Answering with a smile, Holmes said: “I sure would tell her something: that she needs to remember to listen more carefully to the voice inside her head, and that she needs to learn how to say ‘no.’”
Learning to Say No
For Holmes, saying “no” was hard. She felt like she had experienced it all the time — from the principal in elementary school who insisted a boy do a job she had been tasked with to the crush in high school who didn’t like her the way she liked him. But she never demanded “no” of herself. In her teens and twenties, she had no idea if the things she was supposed to want were things she really and truly did want.
Fear gripped her at the thought of uttering “no”. She believed that what little she possessed and what little she might hold onto in the days ahead would wither away and perish unless she made room for all of it. She held fast to the belief that by saying “yes” to things, she could raise her chances of succeeding in life. Instead, she grew so stretched across too many demands that she lost sight of who she was and what she truly wanted. She kept giving precedence to others’ needs and desires above her own to the point where she couldn’t even see the distinction between them.
Founding Jezebel
Her biggest “NO” came in 2007 when she founded the website Jezebel. She was in her mid-thirties, working as a writer and editor at women’s and celebrity magazines because she needed to pay her rent. But something inside her was brewing, and when she was offered the chance to start a new women’s website, she went for it.
She settled on “no” as a kind of motto for the site. The publication covered “No”, “no”, and “no”, among many other subjects: race, gender, politics, books. While Jezebel was not always explicit about its goal to politicize pop culture, it kept returning to the point, again and again, resisting the expectations placed upon women.
The Power of the Word
Holmes frames “no” as an essential tool for self-preservation, autonomy, and emotional health. It is a rejection of the affirmative; a refusal; an expression of resistance, even defiance. She notes that “no” is one of the first words many babies utter, a test of will between parent and child. “No” is a provocation, especially when spoken by women.
She contrasts “no” with “yes.” There is nothing wrong with saying “yes,” she writes. Knowing how to say “yes” to the world — to our friends, to our family, to our education, to our dreams — is an important part of embracing life to the fullest. For many of us, though, saying “yes” is the easy part. We have been forced to develop that skill from a young age, learning that to be considered successes as girls and women, we should appear both competent and kind; effortless and accommodating; graceful, not gregarious.
The Limits of Yes
Holmes recognizes that society’s expectations for women are changing. Yet we will continue to face certain conventions and assumptions about what it means to be women, and what kind of women we should be. She wishes that, alongside the usual adult encouragements that she could do or be anything she wanted, someone had stressed the legitimacy of owning who she did not want to be, even if — especially if! — those expectations clashed with what felt right.
| What “No” Does | What “Yes” Does |
|---|---|
| Declares war | Embraces life |
| Rejects convention | Opens oneself up to experiences |
| Protects autonomy | Increases odds of success |
| Asserts who you are | Privileges others’ needs |
What Holmes Asks Us to Celebrate
Instead of running from “no”, Holmes urges us to honor its strength. She asks us to welcome “no” not as something to avoid but as something to embrace. She is not trying to erase everything about her younger years. What she does wish for is that, along with all the adult encouragement that she could do or be anything she wanted, someone had made clear the rightness of owning who she did not want to be.
The essay is a reminder that refusal is not weakness. It is a tool for defining the world around us. “No” orders and defines wants and needs, likes and dislikes. It is a rejection of the very traits that society deems most valuable. For women who terminate pregnancies, decline to get married, or reject the performance of gender itself, “no” can be a declaration of war, a call to arms.
Holmes learned to say it, and she founded Jezebel so others could hear that refusal too. She gave a commencement speech to remind young women that they must learn how to say it themselves. The word carries power because it is honest — it speaks plainly about what we want and what we don’t want.
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