Meet the Spartans is a comedy that treats 300 as its main target but can’t stop adding pop culture references until the whole movie collapses under its own weight. The joke is simple: a ragtag group of thirteen Spartans led by Leonidas defends Sparta against an invading Persian force. The twist is that the Persians are played by celebrities — Ghost Rider, Rocky Balboa, the Transformers, and a hunchbacked Paris Hilton among them.
The film’s own tagline promises “the bigger the hit, the harder they fall,” and it delivers on that promise. Every major movie, TV show, and celebrity of the moment gets a nod, often within a single scene. That constant barrage of jokes about American Idol, Kevin Federline, and Sanjaya Malakar is supposed to be funny, but it rarely lands. Instead, it leaves the viewer exhausted.
Trailer, via oldandnewtrailers.
The Plot Is a Mess
The story follows Leonidas from babyhood through adulthood. He survives a harsh winter, hunts a gangsta penguin named Mumble, and returns as king wearing a penguin skin hat. He marries Queen Margo, who gives him the combination to her armor-plated chastity belt. Later, a Persian messenger arrives with demands for Sparta’s submission, and Leonidas kicks him and his guards into a pit. He then visits the prophets, who demand Neutrogena as payment for their consultation, and learns from the Oracle Ugly Betty that he will die if he goes to war.
None of this is remotely coherent. The film jumps between eras, characters, and jokes without bothering to connect any of them.
The Cast Carries Nothing
Sean Maguire plays Leonidas, Carmen Electra plays Queen Margo, Ken Davitian plays Xerxes, Kevin Sorbo plays Hauptmann, Diedrich Bader plays Traitoro, Method Man plays the Persian Emissary, and Ike Barinholtz plays a Dane Cook look-alike, a Bond villain, and a prophet. None of them get a chance to breathe. The script treats the cast as props for jokes, not as actors.
The Pop Culture References Are Overloaded
The film’s references are endless:
- Ghost Rider
- Rocky Balboa
- The Transformers
- Paris Hilton
- American Idol contestants and judges
- Kevin Federline
- Sanjaya Malakar
- Ryan Seacrest
- Simon Cowell
- Randy Jackson
- Paula Abdul
That list barely scratches the surface. Every reference exists to be mocked, but the mockery itself is thin and obvious. The joke is that everything is a joke, and the film never figures out why that should be amusing.
The Budget Shows
The film cost $30 million to make and earned $84.6 million worldwide. That profit margin suggests audiences found value somewhere, though it’s hard to see where. The production values are low, the pacing is frantic, and the humor is repetitive.
What Works
There are a few moments that land. The gangsta penguin hunt is absurd enough to be charming, and the penguin skin hat is genuinely silly. But these moments are isolated. The rest is a slog of celebrity faces and pop culture names thrown together without any real point.
The Verdict
Meet the Spartans is a failure of focus. It tries to be a parody of 300, a satire of Hollywood, and a joke machine all at once. It succeeds at none of them. The jokes are stale, the references are worn thin, and the film never stops moving fast enough to let any of it stick.
This is a movie that thinks being busy is the same as being clever. It isn’t. It’s just busy.
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